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fracturedfaerie

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hey, friends [22 May 2006|08:57pm]
[ mood | happy ]

just a quick update for those who still get their life updates from this journal:

since the last post, i have graduated from iwu, gotten hired at chestnut health systems here in bloomington, and started dating the boy from salsa night. that's the basic rundown. my job is fantastic and fun, my coworkers are hilarous, and i get dental and paid time off! adam, aside from being a salsero, is remarkable. i've never been treated with so much affection or respect by a guy before. i never thought i'd date someone for whom i have so much affection and respect. i never knew it could feel this good to be in a relationship. i never thought i would date someone i was proud to introduce to my friends and family.
and we still salsa, every week.

so there's the brief synopsis of my life from february till now. graduation, job, luscious gentleman caller.

within the next week i'll be moving to a new apartment and mourning the loss of my old roommates while i grow accustomed to a new one and repine for the lovely little house that went on sale around the corner. life is good.

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una aventura? quizas... [09 Feb 2006|02:43pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

buenos dias, queridos!

i have had the most fantastic week. first of all, it kicked off last friday with birthday explosion of fun! which proved, yet again, that my friends are fantastic. people, i got a birthday pie! i LOVE pie! and i had lamb curry! LAMB curry! yum yum, yum. i also had snotty conservatives look down on me for being fun. what a day, what a day.

we figured out laura's new "grind 'n brew" coffee maker, and it's bad news. in that good kind of way. right now i'm riding a wave of deliciously fresh coffee so enormous that i would probably brew if placed in water. *twitch*

last night i had an Exciting Encounter that has most definately turned me back into a squealing girl. i blew off a bunch of work to go salsa dancing with my boss and her new roommate. i almost didn't go since i'm spastic on the dancefloor and felt guilty about putting off four creative writing poems that were due the next day, but i did it. and it turns out i'm a pretty fast learner once i loosen up, and confirms my suspicions that i should have been a weekday partier my whole life. and i met a guy! we danced for about an hour and now we have plans to meet up at the next salsa night. both my dream of becoming a competent latin dancer and my dream of having a steady dance partner to learn with seem to be coming true, hooray, hooray. i have a nagging suspicion that my attraction to him, combined with our effortless and fun interaction, is an indication that he might be gay (based only on my propensity to have normal relationships exclusively with gay men, and not any stereotypically "gay" behavior on his part). we shall see--and since i don't know his last name, where in town he lives, or his phone number, our plan to meet up next wednesday seems all the more exciting (minimal commitment--my favey!) and, frankly, i'm going to be cloud-hopping until then. yay for chance encounters!

today was the academic equivalent of last night's social explosion: my creative writing professor used my last poem as an example of creative/unique imagery and phrasing and one of the comments he wrote on it said that i have a strong talent for word selection and imagery. hooray! i wrote that poem the day after i had a major freakout about being boring and stupid and not creative. yay! then my independent study advisor, who gave me the lowest grade and most scathing comments i have ever received on a paper, told me she liked this paper i'm working on now so much it inspired her to start reading the books. and i might be in a special department-only conferenc-y thing in addition to the campus-wide one. i'm not going to flunk out of school! i'm not always an idiot! three cheers for effort actually paying off, three cheers indeed.

it's almost the weekend, y me siento faaantastico. solo espero que podria enfocarme en mis estudios y los quehaceres que tengo en vez de pensar en las noches de bailar que vienen...que tengan semanas tan bonitas como yo!

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i had two christmas cookies for breakfast [13 Dec 2005|09:14am]
[ mood | itchy ]

because, at 8:30 in the morning, i was already "late" to the library.

i'm here, supposedly, to rewrite a paper. not just any paper, mind you, but the foundation for my honors research. unfortunately, i'm tired of writing in spanish b/c i rewrote another paper yesterday...and oh, geeze, i just realized that i forgot the three novels i am writing about at home. hmm. so very cold outside. i guess it's time to add more secondary sources to this thing.

speaking of, i have a book that is a month and a half overdue. when i tried to renew it, through both our libray and the other school per the instructions on the book, everyone confusedly sent me somewhere else. so, perhaps erroneously, i blew off the whole thing because i needed the book. i sincerely hope i will not be forced to pay an absurd amount for a book i didn't even find particularly inticing.

i'm tempted to do a half-assed rewrite and call it a day. i have to work on it all next semester and half of this crap probably won't make it into the final cut anyway. i also have emailed my advisor repeatedly and received no response re: ppwk that has to be turned in by this friday. *sigh*

the most solidly good thing about this morning (apart from eating christmas cookies for breakfast, that is) is this fantastic honey lemon ginger tea i received as part of a fantastic secret santa gift. i'm having mild anxiety because the person i gifted to for the event, after thanking me last night, sent me an email this morning to read while "not under the influence of eggnog." while that was my drink of choice, it had only an approximate 1/2 shot of rum in it, and i would like to think that my naturally (and, perchance, annoyingly) enthusiastic party persona is not so annoying as to be easily confused with festive drunkenness. but now i also am wondering if perhaps i was drunk and didn't realize it or perhaps the 7 hours in the library previous to the fiesta may have weakened my mental faculties. in any event, it was a good shindig, and sometime soon i will be taking pills that render my boozehound days a thing of the past.

i think what i'm truly trying to say here, is that i will talk about anything to avoid sitting down and doing my work. also, i am profoundly itchy, and would really enjoy a significant other if for no other reason than i am too lazy to thoroughly lotion myself. i eagerly await returning to my parents' house to bask in the heavenly air enhanced by the humidifier. okay, now i'm getting alarmed. i'm so itchy i may have to go home just to find something to slather myself with.

on that note, i'm going to eat an orange and read the news while pretending i'm working on my senior sem. paper. happy tuesday to all :)

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[29 Nov 2005|01:34pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

i'm going in for a psychiatric evaluation so i can see if medication makes any of this easier to handle.

*sigh*

2 comments|post comment

your bone's got a little machine. [30 Oct 2005|02:21pm]
[ mood | woobly ]

last night i went to a party with my boss. i knew work people would be there, so instead of being something naughty/evil, i dressed in all pink with some sparkly little wings and was a fairy. i should have been something awesome, b/c those people have no boundaries. there was one devil-horned/black angel-winged/snake-eye-contact-wearing guy who was pretty cute, but how does one ligar, so to speak, at a semioffice party?

we ended up leaving early and renting a movie. my boss is awesome.

i took two "walquil daytime" pills to fight off a sinus-infection related headache/throbbing, and now i feel high. granted, i've never been high before (except on love, mwah) but i feel i've imbibed a large enough variety of alcholic beverages that somethign shoudl have preapred me for this (would you look at that? i can't even type--and i'm work! as a SPANISH TUTOR!)

i'm a little concerned. hopefully some of the wooblyness will dissipate soon. i'm having trouble focusing my eyes on anything for too long.

in the immortal words of my brother, (screaming) "am i talking loud? i don't feel drunk, but i think i might be talking a little loud. what did you put in this drink? am i talking loud?"

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[29 Oct 2005|04:03pm]
let me rephrase: if you are not on my friends list as of this posting, comment and i'll see about adding you. if you're on the list now, i've already decided you're harmless. hem.
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[27 Oct 2005|11:35am]
this journal will henceforth be friends-only. if you'd like to read the occasional post i make, please comment to this entry and we shall see.
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que mas bebo el cafe por estas horas [27 Oct 2005|01:24am]
okay, balls, now it's tainted love in spanish ("falso amor"), and how am i supposed to concentrate with that and a few shots of espresso coursing through my veins?

no more updating! no more facebook! sleep or work, no third choice.

joooooder
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ahh! ahh!!!!!! [27 Oct 2005|12:59am]
[ mood | procrastinatorial ]

oh, HOLY CRAP! spanish cover of radiohead's creep! AHH! AHH! SO GOOD IT HURTS!

eres como un angel
en un mundo especial
quisiera ser bello
quisiera ser bello
pero no lo soy
soy un perro
que diablos hago aqui, donde no pertenezco
*general keening and wailing*

still. not. doing. my. work.

aND OH HELL! JARABE DE PALO! oh, pao, te amo, te amo, nos casaramos.

work might not get done tonight.

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mostly for the benefit of sarah, the only one who probably reads this [27 Oct 2005|12:03am]
[ mood | weird ]

today was an improvement over yesterday, although i am more screwed than previously and also may have committed myself to my internship again without meaning to, even though it's what i want...ay. i was trying to make next semester at least a little less stressful, and now, not so much. ah, vell, asi pasan las cosas.

learned a few things today:
-one of the girls who comes to every tutor hour i ever have is so sweet--she actually calls in every single time she won't make an appointment. she also burned me a wilco cd awhile back, but i swear i demand no payment from my tutees.

-me talking a lot on the radio show=much more fun for me and more thematically appealing. today's theme, designed to fend off my impending nervous breakdown, was "things that are great." see: drive-in movies, bellybuttons, pie, the sign in the cvs pharmacy that says "family planning" above the condoms.

-likelihood of me surviving on a social service paycheck = *big fat raspberry*

-microwave peanut butter waffle biscuits are not so great. they may be fast, carby, and smell like heaven, but you just can't turn waffle mix into anything you want. and yet, i keep inventing these little gi bombs. why, why?

-the reason you drink beer and eat peanuts while watching baseball, as opposed to drinking a large soy latte and eating a microwave peanut butter waffle biscuit, is that beer mellows you out and peanuts settle all that booze in your stomach. there were points i almost barfed while watching the game tonight. barfed, i tell you.

-even though i don't really care about sports, a good damn catch is a good damn catch. also, having chicago have any kind of sports title these days is miraculous. we won the only four-game series in history! (sorry cubbies, you know they don't mean anything to me)

-somehow, random weirdos keep getting my sn. a little awhile ago un tal "youdontknowche" sent me "white sox baby" and nothing else in response to my away message. no response to questions re: identity. why, why? random pride member? ies person? crazy? somehow they always find me.

-i really need a back massage. if i roll my shoulders, lots of little things crackle in there.

-the new eic of jane bites.

-i am really, really, really excited about the pride masquerade ball/genderless date auction/raffle EXTRAVAGANZA. it will take place at 8:00pm on Nov. 11 in Hansen, only $5, free if you're a member, dress is semi-formal to formal (aka anywhere from tastful semi-nudity to tuxedos, yay pride), come ready to bid on the person of your dreams :) all are welcome, spread the word.

-i really do like updating when i have VERY MUCH IMPORTANT THING to do.

okay, no more. heading to do work. or sleep. i mean, meet today's productivity goals. mm.

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i think i am having a panic attack [25 Oct 2005|12:43pm]
[ mood | tearful ]

but i don't really know what that feels like, and i know if i were to let this go full-tilt and ended up in health services or the counseling center they would tell me i need to rest, but what good does that do me when i have all these deadlines and things to take care of? they still have to get done somehow, and i would feel worse being told to stop doing things when i already feel like i slack and shamble along. i know if i talked about some of this maybe i wouldn't feel so crazy, but that's exactly why i can't make myself schedule an appointment. i know i would feel too stupid to talk about any of this in front of someone objective.

i mostly want to know why i was handpicked to join the group of people who have to constantly work to maintain some semblance of mental health. i'm scared they'll want me to go back on medication, which would only signify to me that i did a bad job of this the first time. i don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the point when something cracks inside and i can't live up to my committments and i have to start all over again.

my life is SO WONDERFUL, and i can't figure out why i feel so terrible.

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you can tell this is my busiest week because i make time to update [11 Oct 2005|10:56am]
[ mood | busy ]

procrastination, oh hell yes. paper due tonight, have next to nothing done. oh, slamming out bs spanish papers and getting good grades, you are my sweet intellectual ambrosia.

i am so busy this week and next it makes me cry a little inside, but almost in a good way. i need the stress to be motivated.

i worked the silent witness display at state farm yesterday and got free lunch, oh goodness. discovered my supervisor/boss/mentor and i have even more in common than we thought. for some reason--i'm going with poverty and a secret perverse love of deadlines and forcing my writing into print--i agreed to help her with this latino community newsletter she writes. i'm taking the financial, news, and immigration articles...yikes. even better, i agreed to have them all done by friday. wha? WHA??

also, i now walk her doggie! her name is katie and she is a husky/border collie mix. she is THE CUTEST DOG EVER. since we're both getting a little chubby, it's a good situation, plus the pay takes care of my utilities every month. que guay. best of all, katie is very choosy about men because she was abused by one, so she only lets nice ones pet her. one guy and i chatted for about 15/20 minutes. he was pretty cute and didn't seem crazy, and more importantly he passed the puppy test.

i'm making golden autumn stew this week! it involves both a low-fat turkey sausage ring and a rutabaga AND is from the diabetic slowcooker cookbook. it involves much cubing of root vegetables. god bless the crockpot.

human trafficking seminar/training on friday, hooray education and information!

BTW:

TODAY IS NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!


Celebrate by being tolerant, supportive, and/or gay!

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october is national domestic violence awareness month [08 Oct 2005|02:37pm]
and things are busy with my internship. i've learned a lot, not least of all that i likely will work for similar anti-dv org post-grad. something i definately did not expect to discover during this whole thing was that i myself was in an abusive relationship. it feels stupid to admit it, but the thought didn't even occur to me until i was in my 40-hour dv training reading off a "have you been abused?" check-list. i had to read my experiences on a worksheet to realize they were that negative! of course i never thought that relationship to be life-affirming or even entirely healthy, but i was naive enough to think i was too smart to be in an abusive relationship. for months after that training i still managed to deny it, acknowledging that it was emotionally not the best but still not anything i needed to run screaming back to my therapist for. then yesterday it somehow just came up with my supervisor, and i found myself telling her only parts of what happened, and even those few things confirmed for her that my relationship had not just been bad, it had been abusive.

and you know what? i feel relieved. i feel completely and utterly relieved to know that i wasn't stupid, i wasn't a terrible girlfriend like i was told or a terrible person who deserved to be mistreated and hurt. it's shocking, clearly, to realize it was all just a horrible game to someone, even though they admittedly need help they likely will never get. it's humbling to realize that i was so naive and so wrapped up i couldn't even see how low i had gotten, and how abnormal that treatment really was. it makes me wish i hadn't lied to my therapist about how bad it was (but knowing that i did, i realize i had my suspicions all along). it's doubtful they will ever even think they did anything wrong, BUT I KNOW THEY DID AND THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE IT. and i'm crying a little now realizing it took me 3 years to get to this point. part of me still thinks that no one could ever care about me and really mean it, or take care of me the way you're supposed to when you're in love. i'm afraid of most men i meet. i'm afraid of getting close to someone because eventually i'll have to tell them what happened to me and i'm ashamed to admit it. i can't even type it out because, reading it, i can't believe i just sat back and thought that was okay. i sometimes wish it had been physical abuse, because i would have seen that as wrong and those bruises would have healed.

i know what i would say to someone like me if i got them on the hotline, or if they came in for an appointment. i try to talk to myself like i would talk to them, but it's hard knowing most people reading this won't believe me, or will pass it off as normal relationship problems. it's easy for me to say that i'm too normal for this to be a reality, and that it really was just a bad relationship. but i think it's important that i don't. domestic violence can happen to anyone, no matter how smart or aware or young or strong you think you are, and it has very serious consequences even if your abuser never once raises a hand to you.
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my little peanut [11 Sep 2005|10:58pm]
buddy has congestive heart failure. he also has a blood clot cutting off circulation to one of his paws. he is currently in the kitty icu at an emergency animal hospital someplace in an oxygen tent/isolette. tomorrow we find out if he needs to be put to sleep immediately or sometime after 6-18 months of medication and hypervigilance, assuming he doesn't die naturally during that period.

i feel like tomorrow is probably it for him, and i would rather have that than 6 painful months for him, scooting along on three good legs and sometimes struggling to breathe. i just never thought my little man would leave me. i at least thought i would be there when it was over.

hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm [28 Aug 2005|11:40pm]
[ mood | anticipatory ]

after many trials and frustrations, i've finally landed in bloomington. the landlady, being a landlady and therefore harboring a modest amount of evil, refuses to remove the fetid carpet, but all is well. i'm surrounded by complete chaos and my room is in problematic disarray, but i'm feeling pretty good about it. we had a picnic today, and i made brats, and whilst i was enjoying the festivities and getting overwhelmed by chores, my lovely friends fixed my cheapass desk. they saved my from my hair-trigger rage. i love them :) tomorrow some things will hopefully find their places. i brought an entire bag full of panties, slips, hosiery, and other lingerie. hooray!

i have a new car. it is an '01 impala. it is not a hep car, but it has some pep and a nice clean smell. also, it has no cd player. hello, bruce springsteen and michael jackson!

james is going to brazil next year. he is trying to learn portuguese. it is hard. he should go piranha fishing, yeah!

you should see team america: world police. nothin' says bye-bye terrorism like puppet sex.

laura and i told kaitlyn the story of the moroccan man i picked up in barcelona and how i actually laughed out loud because he was such a bad kisser. i think that's better than lying, i guess, because all the times i ever lied about how spectacular someone was at something, i felt bad about it. i STILL feel bad about one spectacular lie i told to someone, especially because i knew how much it meant to them at the time. to defend myself i will say that it was such a ridiculous lie, and i'm such a bad actor, that it's only half my fault. i think that's perhaps why i can't really enjoy the random people i occasionally kiss after picking them up someplace, because i feel badly about not being more into it. nobody knows how to seduce properly and i'm tired of having to teach slobbering gits who fancy themselves quite the suave lovers. it's just amazing the lies we tell each other, and how little any of it means. i will say, however, that laura and eduardo are still tied for best kissers i know. kaitlyn maintains she will break me of my cynical practicality. we shall see.

for some reason i'm thinking about this mountain i hiked in spain, and this place where cora and i said we would get married. our flower girl was going to ride a goat. i really wish i could be there for just a few hours...

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f***beans [20 Aug 2005|09:24pm]
promised neighbor would babysit for her 6 year old and twin three year olds for 12 hours tomorrow.

promised different mom would babysit for her kids monday night.

promised grandma would take her to a doctor's appt. monday morning.

promised matty ray would go to niu and figure out why no internet.

promised grandma would give car back when dr. gave okay to drive.

promised self would get things cleaned, tidied, packed, all errands run and all moving in accomplished prior to upcoming weekend.

why is all of this a problem? because dr. just gave okay to drive, almost a week ago, and grandma declined to tell me this b/c she thinks i need a car at school. but i'm not playing the "you take it for awhile" game. i just want this to be done. so now it's a mystery how or when i will get to school. mom and dad both work, no dice. perhaps someone can take me after work? i hate that idea. i hate being an inconvenience. so now it looks like i move in next saturday? well, super. dad's like, hey, we'll just buy a car and you can pay for it with loan money. I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY! I CANNOT AFFORD A CAR! it's a very generous offer for them to help me but IT IS GOING TO PLUNGE ME EVEN FURTHER INTO DEBT! i have not had time to purchase a desk. i have not had time to even figure out the ideal SIZE for my desk. i have not packed. i have not repaired my camera, emailed three million professors, emailed people for pride, i have not gotten prescription refills, i have not taken that huge load of stuff to goodwill, i have not found a way to make my tiny closet manageable, i have not taken my bike to the shop (and now i will surely need it), i have not picked up my last check, gone to the credit union, or opened the extra checking account i need, i haven't written a thank-you note to my make a wish boss for my last day party, ETDC ETC. my mom keeps trying to talk to me. i keep trying to explain i'm in a foul mood and i want to stew in solitude. she keeps trying to offer me collapsible storage containers and the like and is now pissed at me for being less than appreciative. in other news re: me being a totally heinous bitch, i've been searching for this specific adidas deodorant. my mom bought me the wrong kind. i very much appreciate the effort she put in to find it, but i'm frustrated because my poverty obligates me to use it, along with the other wrong deodorant she purchased me a week ago, before i can buy and use what i really want. i'm overwhelmed by too much stuff and i just don't want anymore! no more helpful notepads or pens that were on sale or buy one get one free shampoo or fucking collapsible storage containers that won't even fit under my fucking bed, which is fucking uncomfortable and in a room that smells like dust, mold, and old cigarettes!

i'm having a nervous breakdown. i hate everyone. i hate everything everyone does. i'm so fucking tired. so fucking tired. if wesleyan called and told me i got kicked out, i wouldn't even care. i don't even care if i go back. nothing is going how i planned, just nothing. i just want to have the time to NOT be upset and freaking out. all i wanted was to move into school with time to get organized. i'm such a fucking pansy--i didn't do my research at all this summer, i didn't take care of all these errands before now, and who even cares about having two jobs. i just want to be in a place where i really want to do the thigns i'm doing. but i can't think of where or what that would be. the mere thought of this upcoming year is daunting to me and i know it's going to be rough. largely because i feel my depression is back, in a major way, and this time with a more extensive anxiety problem and a complete lack of motivation to get it under control. i don't even know what i would find the time to go to therapy. and no doctor seems to really believe that perhaps any of this is hormone or gland related anyway, despite my old counselor's beliefs to the contrary, so all my work would be pointless anyway, knowing in a year or so i would feel like this again, only maybe worse. i can't be on antidepressants the rest of my life. i just can't. i'm beginning to think this isn't depression, but that i am just truly an unpleasant person with a bad personality. that would certainly explain some things.

take this job and shove it, i ain't workin' here no more [18 Aug 2005|09:15am]
[ mood | energetic ]

i'm NOT at work right now!

bob cried at the end of the day yesterday. it made me sad.

laurie and i went out to dinner and drinking (with the eagle engraving credit card, courtesy of bob). i met my future baby daddy, who was bartending at the three stags. curly, dark hair, olivey complexion, tall, slight stubble, sexy voice. oh, yum. perhaps when my cousin comes tomorrow to visit grandma/go downtown with me, we'll have time for a beer. seriously tasty brews at this place, if you're ever 21 and in the area.

matty ray left for niu this morning. i'm going to visit him/take him out to eat sometime early next week, if he's not super busy, which i'm sure he will be. my little matty is growing up!

now for marathon cleaning/organizing/etc. hooray!

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[16 Aug 2005|11:42pm]
[ mood | sickish ]

is there any word more awesome than "gloaming?" is there? i thought not.

tomorrow = last day of work at bob's. forever. for-ev-er. [hopefully]
laurie and i are going out for drinks afterwards. should be interesting, to say the least. mayhap we'll check out the bar inside the old geneva theatre. i hear (from my dad and his friend dave) that they have some weird and tasty beer.

i showed grandma my "last day of work" dance. she liked it. we made tentative plans for a road trip to springfield to see the lincoln museum. you think i jest, but i'm excited. hopefully she'll feel spry enough to tackle such a full day.

i found out that when my parents said they were going to be ballroom dancers at the paramount, they weren't kidding. they are going to be backup dancers in the nutcracker in december. they are going to wear fancy costumes and do the waltz. whoa. this surely promises to be the theater event of the season.

according to my inside sources who do all my stalking for me, this guy i liked all through high school is still single. hmm. i probably won't do anything about this information, but it's nice to know that little nugget of sanity, sweetness, and rosy-cheeked good health still sits out for the taking.

i feel like watching all 3 halloween movies in one sitting. preferably in the gloaming. ha!

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oh, i wish i wrote this: [15 Aug 2005|11:19pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MY ABILITY TO LOSE INTEREST
IN THINGS EASILY.



July 11, 2005

Dear Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily,

Hey, hey, look at me, look at me. I'll try to make this quick for you. I wasn't going to bring this up, because you always seem so happy trying new things, but this is getting ridiculous. I can't afford all this. If you want to play drums, hey, cool, but play them more than three times. It's like you forgot they were there. And why did you get a keyboard? And don't tell me it's because you got tired of the guitar—that's not going to work with me, mister. Here's the thing: I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you're not very musically talented, and by "very" I mean "at all." Maybe if you stuck with one of them you wouldn't be so mediocre at all of them.

Listen, over here, hello! No, I don't know what that bird outside is doing. Focus, all right? Throw your yo-yo and juggling balls away. The only time those things are touched is when I move them to a new apartment. Which brings me to my next point. Why do we move every year? Just once I would like to not have to move. It's always, "Let's try this neighborhood, the apartments are cooler here, this way we don't have to clean it." I'm sick of it, Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily.

When we were kids—God damn it, quit playing Minesweeper; you're never going to beat my score—when we were kids, it made sense to be like this, but we're 25 and a half now. It's time we don't take Grandma's favorite calligraphy pen and never learn how to properly use it. And maybe you should listen to all of the Spanish language CDs I bought you, not just the first one. No, I'm not going to buy you Polish on CD, at least not until you learn Spanish.

Look, maybe this is none of my business—your love life is your love life—but damn, why don't you call people back? I don't know if that's the same bird. How would I know that? I guess you could call the park district and join a bird watchers' club, but hey, just listen. You go out with someone a couple times and then you just stop calling them. That's fucked up. It takes two weeks for you to get bored of someone. Remember the waitress? Shit, man, some people would love to go out with a waitress. You play two rounds of phone tag and that's it. There's no effort. Why do you think you're alone? Oh, yeah, it's "by choice." Pathetic.

Son of a bitch, quit looking stuff up on the Internet. No one just e-mailed you in the last five minutes, OK? No, I didn't know the average yearly rainfall in Seattle is 36.2 inches. No, we're not moving there. You've never owned an umbrella. I suppose we would grow our hair out if we moved there. Maybe we do need a trim, though ... Fuck, listen to me.

Yeah, I know, those crosswords are hard. I never finish them, either. Damn, you're doing it again, Ability to Lose Interest in Things Easily. This is pointless. Call me when you get some focus. I'm going to go check out that bird.

Love always,
Douglas Greuloch

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maybe the plane ticket fairie will pop 'round in the night [03 Aug 2005|10:31pm]
[ mood | extra-sensory perceptive ]

a flurry of "coincidences" of late have led me to believe that something is calling me, calling! to italy:

first, i had two dreams about italy on different nights this week. in one, i was leaning out the window of the pension run by old italian nuns where i stayed in florence at 4:00 in the morning. the next thing i knew, i was at the overlook where there is a mini statue of the david, the place where i said i would like to be proposed to. then i was magically back in my nun-made bed, falling asleep. the next one involved some amount of countryside and a variety of vespas, as well as the neck of some man who smelled like soap and kittens in the sun. italian, surely.

secondly, i picked up this book i borrowed from someone (chrissy? um...) about a woman who took a year out of her job to travel around and live the life. i started reading right at the part where she visits venice and describes the piazza san marco. ahh, memories. hey! i just realized i took my icon picture in a cafe in venice, right off the piazza san marco!

thirdly, tonight i babysat for three lovely children who picked out an intriguing bedtime story: the king of capri! in it, a strong wind blows everything off the island of capri into the yard of a washer woman in naples. there's a wedding, and a fat cat, and lots of peasants rejoicing.

need i say more? i think not. now, more importantly, WHY should my subconscious/la vita be telling me to run off to italy? hmm...

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